Exercising the Indian way

Every morning I hear a loud gaggle. A foreign noise in a fairly quiet neighborhood. A residence which thrives on the loud humming of a few cars and the regular whirring of the lawn mover; this is unusual.

I move closer to the patio to see the source of that sound.It is indeed what is unheard of in this serene locale. They are a group of Indian aunties (yes,that's what they are called, though they are not in direct relation to you,whatsoever) who are out for their early morning walk after they finish bidding their spouses to work and their children to school.

Yes, though they are out for their daily walking they are also on a mission to eradicate that massive tube of belly fat clinging to their bodies in the most undesirable place of all other places ; without getting to a gym on a membership. (nothing objectionable about it).

They are not bothered about that till they find myriad ways to hide all that flab in the most flattering way(or unflattering) possible.After all saris are the perfect outfit to transform all the flesh bags to killer curves.Coming back to the point, small retinues of Indian women throng parks, jogging tracks alike to spread their mobs onto each corner of the area. They take over a large area covering up tracks meant for serious joggers not that the ladies aren't serious about their business. Only the business is not of exercise but of a never ending gossip cycle . They walk at the pace of a toddler learning to walk : except for the fact that a toddler is adorable and has no other viable option.I wonder if its even possible to talk so much when you happen to be walking briskly. And then they conquer and lay siege to that part of the track giving you the impression of a slow moving queue at the airport immigration queue. Which I bet moves faster.

"Who is that new girl?", "Why is that boy in the park only when that girl appears?" "Why are they exchanging numbers?" "Have you heard about that new woman in that posh apartment, she is a divorcee?" "Why is that girl not married yet, there must be some problem with her?"
"My son is a doctor/engineer and he works in the States, he is planning to settle there itself on a green card!!"

And hearing that the following thoughts race across my mind :
"If you are going to be chattering away consistently how will it possible to walk at a brisk pace??
How will you ever lose all that flab that you have managed to eat to amass all over the years doing the very thing you keep doing in the "walks" that are supposed to be exercise for you?"

Its typical for married ladies (a majority but not all) to behave in this manner. As a matter of fact the very girls who seem to be burgeoned with these ladies turn into their clones once they cross over to the other side. Some don't. But mostly they do. I guess that happens when one lands into shit!! Company is inevitable.. You see.. otherwise gossip isn't interesting...

Well what gossip... To know that I will have to cross over to the other side and check if the grass is actually green or probably its just ASTRO TURF!

And as of now I am just watering my grass to make it as green as I desire it to be.. (wink)

Tissue Issues and more...

Having been raised in India, I learned many things different from the way the West does them. One of the many things being SHITTING.. (yes! I'm no shitting about it though). The Indian subcontinent does things a wee bit differently in this department. First things first. Most of the places in India do not have the kind of pot that Americans do.

The pot that you see above is what most Indian households use. Though much of the urban populace has learnt to poop sitting on a Western pot of recent, there are many who have learnt to squat sitting in the toilets. As this has been the norm for a very long time in India, usage of toilet paper was unacceptable as a means to clean oneself after going. Many toilets have the usage of a bum washer in order to wash and clean up the butt crack.

Now, this is what a bum washer looks like. It works like a water hose or a hand held shower which when sprayed in the area, cleans up the area with a forced jet of water. Now why will a person in their right minds, who has been cleaning up his butt crack with a fresh jet of water, start using a tissue or toilet paper in order to do the same?

Firstly, no matter what quality of paper you use to wipe your butt, it is still paper and it does not quite give the freshness and cleaning which water does. Moreover when you are (this is for the ladies) in your period with a stream of blood flowing out your vagina the last thing that you would want to be doing is infecting your genitalia with bacteria from your poop. If you cleanse the same area with water the same problem is handled in a hygienic manner. The area feels much more fresher and cleaner. The slime caused by the blood disappears in a jiffy!!

Moreover no matter how much toilet paper you use a single sheet will never give you the satisfaction that a single jet or spray of water can give.

And then there is always the fear of your hands touching your ass while you are trying to clean it up. And YIKES!!! that's a terrible feeling....

I have seen Americans shake hands at mass with other fellow church goers at the exchange of peace during mass. I have also noticed a considerable number of them use sanitizers immediately after shaking hands. If Americans are so particular about health and hygiene, how did this immensely important piece of hygiene just slip the minds of engineers??

I won't even get into the debate of the Squatting habit which is proven to be highly beneficial to health (especially to pregnant women).

It can be read in detail at the following link :

http://guruprasad.net/posts/why-indian-toilet-is-best-scientific-reason/

And the last but definitely not the least important reason for using water is that you don't have to risk getting your underwear dirty or smelly and keep checking for poop stains.

So,

Indians all over the world

The importance and the wide usage of software systems in the USA has brought a steady influx of many Indian software professionals, since the Y2K. Most of them are from the southern states of India, with highly difficult to pronounce middle and last names. So much so that their names don't fit into the ten-letter box provided in their immigration forms. Most of them are from the smaller towns of India, nonetheless are the brightest brains in their nation. The allure of getting huge pay packets in the West brings them across the seven seas to try their sweat and luck in a foreign nation. Most of them tag their families along i.e. the ones who can, the rest just leave them back home and support them financially till the expiration of their visas or till their family is mentally prepared to live in an English speaking populace.

By 'mentally preparing' themselves I mean adapting themselves to the culture of a different world. Many Indians have a strong perception that speaking in English implies that the person is well educated (read in an English medium school). The possibility of speaking in a vernacular tongue is a curse as you are taunted and not perceived as being a COOL kid. I am writing this today because though we are well educated we are still blind to being open to our own fellow beings, in many ways and we still try to conform ourselves and everyone else to a BOX that we put everyone in. And we do not need a white skinned person to actually discriminate against us... YES!! .... Because

WE ARE CAPABLE ENOUGH TO BE RACIST TO OTHER FELLOW INDIANS!!

Lets see how :

1. We advertise and wholeheartedly endorse fairness creams in hope for a better complexion.
   

It is human tendency to yearn for something that we do not possess and have a strong desire to obtain it. That is what the whole fairness circus is about. We long and yearn to be so fair that milk will get a complex after seeing us. Fair girls are considered to be beautiful. So if you fail to have any kind of good qualifications or are not marriage material your only saving grace is FAIR SKIN.. If you have fair skin then it doesn't matter whether you are short or tall, fat or thin. If you are in India and you are of a marriageable age you're safe if you have glowing white skin. And if not then may you be saved by your Gods.Or by your brains if you have any and if that is considered something!

Many Indian mothers fret the day they have to look out for a groom for their dusky (yet beautiful) daughter, because she does not conform with the Indian standards of Bridal Beauty. The mother tries out every possible beauty treatment on her girl with the everlasting hope of being touched by the magic wand of Fairness creams which guarantee you with milky white complexion as shown on television. These advertisements however fail to point out the use of lights, make up and most importantly Photoshop to brighten the faces of their models who are actually dusky dames. Or they conveniently choose models with fair complexions. However any amount of cosmetic use isn't going to make up your personality which is the very basis of your compatibility with your spouse. No amount of glowing skin will help hold the relation. Had becoming a better person been the focus of fixing up marriages there would be lesser cases of domestic abuse and sexual harassment.

Because when all that beauty is taken away with age what can't be taken away is PERSONALITY

2. Marriages are made in heaven ; but they are FIXED in India

India is among a very few countries in the world,(rather the only) where arranged marriages still happen. The process of an arranged marriage is as follows :

1. The parents decide that the boy/girl is of marriageable age i.e. he has a job,is in his late 20s, well settled, aging and sick parents with no one to look after them, need a cook or a caretaker (for a boy) and she is in her early 20s, may or may not have a job, knows to cook and clean, looks matured enough(for a girl).
   
2. The parents look out for a matchmaker i.e. a person who maybe a relative with great networking skills, the local temple priest, an agent(yes!! there are people who thrive on match making), marriage bureau,wedding receptions(they can be the best place to spot any bachelors/spinsters),internet sites (rarely used but growing fast in popularity).
3. Credentials are exchanged. Aspects such as salary, height, weight, skin colour(has to be fair), hair colour, colour of the eyes, figure (preferably slim),virginity, marital status, age(girl has to be younger to the boy) are looked up and matched.
   
4. A meeting is arranged by the matchmaker between the parents of both the prospective bride and the groom. It is mostly held at the girl's residence where the girl has to be decked up so that the boy can see her in all her revelry and decide if he wants to marry her. If you do not wish to have this program at your residence then either lunch or dinner can be fixed up at a restaurant where the same procedure can be carried out. The girl is asked many questions based on her housekeeping abilities whereas the boy has to reveal his fat pay package. The boy and the girl are given a few minutes to spend with each other within which they have to decide if they want to spend their lives with the other. It is a DO OR DIE situation for them (literally!!)
   
5. If they have made their choice then telephone numbers are exchanged and an engagement ceremony is conducted as an agreement to the wedding where all the details of the BIG FAT WEDDING are decided.
6. If step 6 does not happen then the steps from step 2 are repeated till desired results are achieved.
   

BUT NO ONE QUESTIONS THE COMPATIBILITY OF THE COUPLE

That is because where marriages are involved we prefer color, money and status above the happiness of the couple involved.The bride sadly gets to choose just her trousseau and jewellery . And  if you happen to be in love that too with a person who does not belong to your caste, creed or religion then Almighty Lord save you!

In India marriages do not just happen between two souls but between two families

3. If you are a blue collared worker, then you are not HUMAN.

Dignity of labour is a term which has eluded Indians from a very long time. Take this incident for example. There is this friend of mine who I met while completing my Master's degree. She has been juggling many thoughts about her career for a very long time. After knowing her for a considerable period I have come to the conclusion that the income earned in the job is miniscule in proportion to the position she was willing to occupy. After completing MBA, it is very difficult in a recession driven India to find a job which actually pays you according to the course you have taken. It eventually boils down to how well you know people in the industry and how many reliable contacts you have which will lead to a job opportunity. In spite of having all of these, sometimes its still difficult to find a decent job. And that's all right. Because we have to work our way to the top.

The recession of 2008 stripped many Indians of their high paying jobs and robbed them of their income. Many were forced to take up jobs much lesser paying than their actual qualifications. Some of them were ready to do it for a steady income, some simply weren't able to bring themselves to do it.

A huge chunk of the Indian population come to Mumbai - the Hollywood equivalent of India,everyday,in search of high paying glamorous jobs in the glitterati of Bollywood. Very few of them have real talent and the rest want to just take up acting for the high life that it promises. I know of a young man who spent his youth waiting for some film director to lap him up in his new venture , than working hiss ass off for such a role.

When I completed my MBA, I couldn't find a job. The only way that my parish priest could offer to help me was a temporary post in his school. Knowing that that was my only source of income and the last resort to prevent me from going crazy sitting at home unemployed caused me to take up that job. And I am glad I did! I did realize that it was part of some DIVINE plan to help me out after I finished helping out the children who were left to fend for themselves after the teacher went on an unannounced long vacation. Fate works in strange ways.

However , we Indians fail to understand that

Wish we empathized with the maid who works at our place and looked at her just as the way we looked at ourselves.....